How to Survive RV Life Without a Tomahawk

A not-so-expert guide to safety, humor, and faith.

Who’s Writing These Lists, Anyway?

Google “RV essentials” and you’ll find a plethora of information from experts as well as people who’ve never set foot in a camper, much less used any of the gear they provide links to. You don’t need me to tell you, stay away—far away—from the latter.

Roger and I dutifully prepared for RV life. Videos, blogs, Amazon searches, and making tracks to Camping World like it’s going out of business (wish it was—the prices might be better)—all great ways to find what you really need—but also get led astray.

Self-Defense, Spy Style

Recently, we watched a YouTube video on self-protection methods for campers. But when the star started by saying, “I’ve never owned an RV,” and “I don’t live in an RV, but I want to someday,” we gave up on learning and watched for laughs. Well worth it!

His list started with bear spray, which—because I’ve never used it but I want to someday—is a very bad idea for the fumble-fingered. I know this thanks to a friend who spent hours rinsing his eyes in a mountain stream—only to rub them again with unwashed fingers. (Don’t worry, Jeff, I’ll keep your identity a secret.)

Back to our guru’s self-defense weapons of choice: a gun (with hollow-point bullets, of course), a machete, a spray grenade, and a tomahawk. Belly laughs for all—except the gun.

His most useful tip? Don’t deploy the spray grenade inside the RV. Brilliant. Then he suggested tossing it out the window—as if intruder(s) will wait until we can pop out the screen.

The video wasn’t a complete waste of time, however. We actually endorse one item on his list—and believe me, I’m prepared to use it. At the end of our visit to the Louisville Slugger factory/museum in Louisville, KY, our free souvenirs were miniature Louisville Slugger bats. A former softball player, this weapon suits my preferred style of attacking an attacker. It also satisfies my bargain-loving soul.

Don't get me wrong—that YouTube safety expert is definitely an expert—just not in our frame of reference and abilities. Still, Roger wants to buy a gun and learn how to use it. Me? I’d rather stay in safe, well-lighted areas. To each his own, I guess. Unless you live together and find it hard to agree on which weapon is least likely to self-injure.

Bottom Line Defense

So yes, we’re armed—with not one, but two souvenir bats and a determination to camp in safe places. Because life (and RV life) isn’t about having the scariest weapons. Be prepared, but not panicked. Be cautious, but not fearful. And never lose sight of what actually protects you.

You have given me your shield of victory.    

Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great.

You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping.

Psalm 18:35-36

So go ahead and pack your preferred weapons. And unless you’re handy with a tomahawk, stick to experts within your frame of reference.

Ever listened to an “expert” who clearly wasn’t? Share your funniest—or most expensive—experience in the comments.