Having It All Together Doesn’t Mean You Won’t Ever Fall Off the Dock
A Sneak Peek from Turning Your Inner Bullies Into Allies So You Can Love Like Jesus
From chapter five: Why Can't I Get It All Together? Redefine the Control Bully
During our sailing years, I had one overriding goal, and it wasn’t to avoid shipwreck. It was just this: I didn’t want to be the story someone else told over dinner. Every time we anchored, launched the dinghy or kayak, maneuvered through a busy harbor, or furled the mainsail, I kept one eye on the task at hand while the other scanned for who might be watching. Because we all know it’s kind of fun to see someone else goof up. It’s one thing to say we can learn from our mistakes—it’s quite another to hear strangers laugh as you fall off the dock or miss the mooring or get the boat stuck against the dock by the tide, all of which Roger and I have done publicly. Those episodes make for great entertainment, but only when we’re the ones telling the stories—know what I mean?
That paragraph introduces the control bully, the one that convinces us we must “have it all together.” Which is what I wanted most every time Roger and I publicly furled the sails or docked the boat. At the very least, I wanted to look like I had it all together.
As a sailor, what I didn’t recognize was that good seamanship sometimes took second place to my constant concern about who was watching. And that hyper-awareness made me want to control what people saw, what they assumed, and what they remembered about me.
Control was the issue. Not control of the boat, but control of the story.
What’s Hiding Behind the Façade?
But as I point out in the control bully chapter, the only people who have it all together are the ones you don’t know very well. I didn't come up with that, but what a great reminder of how easily we judge by appearances. Yet the better we get to know someone, the more we see what’s behind the façade. The raw edges. The doubts. The deeper motives. The bits of the story we’d rather edit out. Acquaintances look polished. Intimacy reveals the tarnish.
Yes, I fell off the dock once, fully dressed, giving fellow sailors a belly laugh. Yes, I’ve struggled multiple times to properly attach our boat to a mooring in crowded Catalina Harbor. And yes, Roger got stuck in our sailboat against the dinghy dock and had to yell for help in front of all the looky-loos on the pier.
But even those embarrassing stories don’t paint a full picture of who we are, what we like most, what means the most to us, or where we’ve really struggled in life. To the person watching from the pier, we were just a couple of novice sailors providing a moment of levity.
And there it is: what made those moments memorable wasn’t just the mishaps. It was what feeling exposed did to me.
In my mind, imagining other people's ridicule made me feel ashamed for not being perfect.
The control bully doesn't like exposure that threatens the carefully managed façade we want the world to see and believe.
Redefining “Having It All Together”
In Turning Your Inner Bullies Into Allies, I suggest a more appropriate definition of “having it all together.” I’ll paraphrase from the book:
The woman who truly has it all together is the one who is striving for God. She isn't just “trying harder” to be better. She understands it’s not about her self-esteem or measures of worldly success. She recognizes that true transformation only happens when she aligns herself with God’s design. And alignment like that requires humility, openness, surrender, and faith. She no longer fears exposure. And that’s the woman I want to be, and I hope you do, too.
Falling off the dock does not mean you lack faith, wisdom, or maturity. It means you are human. "Having it all together" isn't about flawless performances or carefully managed impressions. It's about where you turn when you realize you're about to make a very public splash.
I still care about doing things well. I still wish things wouldn’t go sideways publicly. But I am finding freedom when I stop trying to control the narrative and instead trust the One who truly transforms his followers. For his glory and for our good.
This shift in perspective reminds me of Paul’s words:
So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:16-17
Where are you working hardest to look like you have it all together? What would your life look like if exposure wasn’t a concern?
If this Reflection resonates with you, you might enjoy these related stories:
P.S. I'm happy to report our Starlink Mini replacement power cable arrived and our WiFi is well again. If you missed that story, you can read it here: https://www.juliergreenwalt.com/post/i-destroyed-our-starlink-perfectionism-pride-and-a-power-cable
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